Snow day

Today was snow day! It was wonderful, though I woke up in a really awful mood as I really thought I'd be going to college. Beth's school had updated the website saying that it had closed. My college decided to wait until 7.45 before anyone could be bothered to get into the reception to update it. However, in the end, it updated and the box with 'closure' popped up, as I had refreshed just at the second it was being written. I couldn't really be bothered to wait for the message stating the college was actually closed and please-wait-for-further-information, as I was already internally celebrating.

Feeling in a ratty mood as I was, I decided I'd do some exercise. On went the Wii, and in came every member of my family, doing their own little thing. Selfishly, I threw a wobbly and shouted, 'whycan'tIevergetprivacy?! I'mgoingoutforawalk!' and off I went, trudging through the snow.

Arrived home, and got a phone call from James, who said that everyone is going to Egham to sled. So I got ready, Theo said he'd pick me up, and I invited Lucy, Kirsty and Laura but they were already invited. Got a bit annoyed that they didn't think to invite me, really, but I invited them. Lack of communication meant I could have been left out completely. Never mind.

Today was a wonderful day when in the snow! Theo almost lost his phone, but Kirsty found it. That was all good. And the snowball fight, and the pushing everyone over in the snow and - ah it was fun!

Theo and I left early as he needed to walk his dog at around about 3.30. He told me something very interesting: that Lucy had said to him, 'How are you and Jaz?' and then told him about my past, and how my mum had messaged Lucy talking to her about what was going on at the time of me being a bit mentally unwell. I guess it was a cry for attention as dad was unwell, but I needed attention. I so regret that time in my life. So, moving on, I was a bit annoyed because that was a bit like Lucy tampering with my relationship.

This is where I have decided that telling people about my problems ruins my relationships and friendships, so from now on, I'm keeping it schtum. I can handle it, I'm a big girl.

I got this lovely blog to rant in anyway.

An update - at the very beginning of 2KX

It has been an interesting few months. A lot has happened really. This will only be a short post as, to be honest, I'm very tired after a long night of too much alcohol and lack of sleep to welcome the new year in.

I came up with eight new year's resolutions:

1) To stop being so self centered and immature - to grow up and be a nicer person

2) Lose at least one stone over the course of the year

3) To stop drinking so much (!!!)

4) To stop getting so stressed

5) To push myself - to be more disciplined

6) Learn how to cook ...

7) To be happier

8) To be more confident and outgoing!

I think they'll be good to work on this year. Let's see if I can actually achieve them!

It's all going downhill, yet again.

I won't let it take over, though I feel depression is beginning to creep back into my life via my teenage hormones. Though this may seem like something every single teenager may go through, it is more so for me, as I have a little syndrome called PCOS which causes major mood swings and I have slightly strange hormones. My mind is becoming a little intoxicated with overly stressed, depressive thoughts. I think it's all the pressure that's sending me back into that grim world I've only just got myself out of.

I'm really scared of taking on more responsibility that I will most certainly inherit with age, and my life seems to be speeding past. I've wasted my teenage years in my opinion. There's so much more I want to do, and so much I really regret doing, and so much I've wasted my time with.

I'm going to change my appearance. By the summer, I will be the BMI of 22.33 rather than 25. This probably won't make me all that much happier, but I'll still feel a bit more confident. I want to buy some new clothes, and save up some money at the same time.

I am going to try and battle with this beast of a feeling.